Thursday, January 12, 2006

One Year Later

A smile...what's in a smile?

So many different smiles can say different things.

I hide behind my smile.

It's the only way for me to make it through the days.

I smile so that no one can see the real me.

I smile to show everyone what they want to see.

So I ask again, what's in a smile?

Monday, September 12, 2005

17

you are there.

it's in the subtle ways.

the things we see, the sounds we hear. you.

gone are, all of the edges and lines

brought by your demise,

you remain.

an inspiration. a beacon.

so, be there. in the distance, but so clear.

and the next time i see

i will smile

and think of you.

always.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Dad, I

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breathless

Here you are now
Fresh from your war
Back from the edge of time
And all that you were,
Stripped to the bone
I thought youĂ­d want to know

That when you feel the world is crashing
All around your feet
Come running headlong into my arms
Breathless
I'll never judge you
I can only love you
Come now running headlong
Into my arms
Breathless

Lay down your guns
Too weak to run
Nothing can harm you here
Your precious heart
Broken and scarred
Somehow you made it through
I only ask that you won't go again

When you feel the world is crashing
All around your feet
Come running headlong into my arms
Breathless
I'll never judge you
I can only love you
Come now running headlong
Into my arms
Breathless

So glad to see you smiling
So good to hear your laugh
I think that you've found you even
Missed yourself
I'm only asking this because I think that
Truth be told
Oh, you'll never go again
Again

When you feel the world is crashing
All around your feet
Come running headlong into my arms
Breathless
I'll never judge you
I can only love you
Come now running headlong
Into my arms
Breathless
Breathless


thanks to Better Than Ezra, 2005 (c) Breathless

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Father's Day - 1998

He is a Champion. A Hero. It is not what he was which expresses the Worth of Him. But What He Is. He Wears his Crest upon his Heart. -Amiel

" Dear Dad,

I don't think you really realize how you are important to me. I'm very proud of my Dad. Sometimes you help me or show me something that you'll never know how it helps me. I've always looked up to you.

When I was a little boy, I always knew I had the best Dad. Kids were always making fun of other kids - but not
my Dad. My Dad was always COOL!

I always wanted to be respected like you. I wanted to be just like my Dad.

Sometimes, even now, I close my eyes at night and hope I wake up, just like my Dad.

I love you very much.

Your son, Brian "


- from a father's day card, 1998


Thursday, June 09, 2005

June 11th

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Dear June,

The 11th will be a quiet and sad day this year. You see, our cousin January took Americo home. His birthday will be something that is not normally seen.

It was you that reminded me that birthdays are a time for celebration. A time to look back at the last year. See success' and learn from mistakes. A time both for reflection and joy. A time to deny we are another year older. To joke and show appreciation.

Birthdays should not be a milestone for what might have been.

So this year will be quiet. Hearts will feel sad for the loss of Americo. He is missed.

Your cousin,
August

Saturday, May 07, 2005

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Dad, I miss you.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Like Having Your Great-Grandfather's Catcher's Mit

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I didn't grow up like other kids. I didn't play catch in the back yard with my Dad. There was no Baseball or Football. And forget a Basketball. I spent time with my Dad at a race track.

From an early age we'd all go to the local track in Sonoma and watch all forms of racing. Little did I know, that what seemed like a boring past time, would become my bonding time with my Dad.

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In the early 70's my Dad happened upon an autocross at what I believe was a JC Penny parking lot. It was then he first discovered auto racing. Specifically, Formula Vees.

All these cars, driving as fast as they could, against the clock. Americo was intrigued. He wanted to know more, and he wanted to drive one.

Somehow this 20 something kid managed to purchase a Formula Vee racing car. He went on to earn several trophies, and did very well. Until the day he learned he was going to become a father. With the birth of his son, his priorities had to change. But the fire inside to drive never went away.


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We still went to races as kids. He would explain the most small detail about the exotic cars flashing by at great speeds. In the 80's he purchased his most dismal race car. A second hand car, and he had a very limited budget.

With an over weight car, bad engine, and used tires, he would drive his heart out. Not to break the track record, and not able to win. But to better his last time at the track. A personal victory.

I think we were all glad when he got rid of the yellow "pig".

By His Side

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He went on to buy a car that would bring him the results that were missing. The talent was there. The intelligence. But the machine to deliver the results was lacking.

I used to sit beside him. And give him a pep-talk. I would say, "Watch for turn two. You can't win on the first lap. Have patience..." Then I would grab his shoulder and say, "Be safe. Have fun." And with that, I would watch him roll away, and hold my breath. But, I knew, he'd be fine. The car was his zone.

He bought the sleek, usually numbered 17, Formula Vee known as a Caracal. This car was a beast. Smooth, fast, alluring. Americo now had the tools to fulfill his dream. WIN.

We were at an oval race, and there was a contest to pick who would win. Of course a son would pick his Dad. He went on to win from pole.

This new car would see him go on to win. Grab pole. Set fast laps. He was on the verge of a championship.

And he was, until some last minute agreement robed him of a title. Tied for points, tied for wins, tied for second places, the championship came down to third places. Americo finished second. But, not by those who know.

A winner. A pole sitter. A champion. An amazing Father.
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I never played catch. What a distant thought. I spent days, hours, weeks with my Dad at Sears Point, Laguna Seca, and Thunder Hill. Always with my Dad.

I have something better than a catcher's mit. I have the most intimate, important part of my father's race car. His steering wheel. A trophy of his legacy. A reminder of the great man he was.